Too many look past sex

No Sex Tonight!
Couples drastically underutilize intimacy as a way to strengthen their relationships. For many couples, sex is a source of tension, conflict and dissatisfaction. It's not unusual for couples to retreat entirely from sex. A vital part of a love relationship, sex remains challenging and controversial. The inescapable reality is that we are sexual beings, yet we regard our sexuality as an unwanted stepchild.

In the public sphere, the topic of sex causes discomfort, despite the fact that it is a part of each one of our lives. Historically, sex has been linked with sinfulness and carnality, an association that lingers as shame in the present-day consciousness.

Sex is frequently newsworthy, but almost always when connected with abuse, violence, obsession, harm, adultery, pedophilia, teen pregnancy, disease, etc. These factors exacerbate the discomfort and unhealthiness associated with sexuality. The loving side of sex gets contaminated by this darkness.

Intimacy is critically important. It lies at the crossroads of our personal, emotional, spiritual and even governmental lives, yet it is the part of being human that causes us the most unease.

All these factors make sex a weak link for couples. Its strong potential for bonding and pleasure can lead to disappointment, as partners fail to realize these potentials. Because of embarrassment, most partners do not even talk about sex with each other, unlike the ease with which they may discuss a joint household project. Sex, if it is to be satisfying, also is a together activity that requires communication and coordination.

Marriage and loving are not easy, but when a couple is troubled, sex is one of the first parts of a relationship to disappear. If the trouble remains unresolved, sex may never rekindle, further weakening the relationship. A manifestation of the atrophied state of sex is that many mature adults have insufficient or inaccurate sexual information with which to form a satisfying sex life.

Developing a balanced, healthy attitude towards sex is difficult, thanks to prevailing negative attitudes. In reaction to the shame and discomfort that shrouds sex, we segregate this part of being human. By giving it "special" status, we confine sexual activities to very narrow circumstances, almost guaranteeing that it will occur infrequently.

Sex is best if it is more regular a part of life, like breathing or breakfast rather than an anniversary or holiday. This may sound unorthodox, provoking fear that sex will lose its specialness. But sex should not be special because it is a natural part of being human. On the other hand, love — if shared fully during sex — is always special.

When infused with love and offered in an emotionally safe environment, sex strengthens, maintains and repairs romantic connections. The potential for healing and emotional growth through intimacy is significant. Yet most couples do not choose this kind of nourishment as frequently as they should.

A ring is made up of a jewel and a setting. The jewel holds the value, but the setting frames it and keeps the jewel secure. Your love for each other is like the jewel; sex is the setting. Sex provides the right setting for you to love each other completely — mind, body and spirit. So, within your committed love relationship, indulge.

Written By: Andrew Aaron
Andrew Aaron is a certified sex therapist and marriage counselor based in downtown New Bedford who has been practicing psychotherapy in SouthCoast for the past 16 years. Contact him through his website,
For more sexual news, advice, tips, tricks and techniques, check out my SEXYOUALL Sexual Advice blog. For dating and relationship news, advice, tips, tricks and techniques, check out my Date Karma blog


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